Anxiety and self doubts!

 I don't know who needs to hear this but I am sure I ain't the only one feeling this or am I?

Coming to think about my insecurities level, it is quite impactful on my daily life and relationships. I find myself frequently checking if I've chosen the right slippers before heading out, ensuring switches are off, and questioning if I've locked the door. Even when I go to the bathroom with my phone, I compulsively check social media apps, worried I might have accidentally called someone.

As I grow up, trusting people becomes a challenge as I often sense hidden motives behind their actions. When someone shows interest, I struggle to discern if it's genuine or a facade. The fear of being seen as a temporary amusement haunts me, making it difficult to be my authentic self in relationships. I realized that I am someone who frequently need reassurance because in life we never really get to know anyone. People's misinterpretation about me and my misinterpretation about someone is one of the biggest fear in my life, I feel like I would get exposed if I go out of my comfort zone!

What about you???

*Picture source from pinterest!.

A roller coaster year.

 My major takeaways from 2023 is being optimistic. In life, If you think it's never gonna work, be it friendship or relationship, it would never because you already had a mindset on it. Every individual we meet become our destiny and it's us who change the destiny because we don't handle little obstacles that comes in between.

In 2023, my life unfolded like a roller coaster, taking unexpected twists and turns. I have never let myself too low as I did this year. The year was a mosaic of experiences, a life like a canvas painted with vivid hues of joy as well as sorrows. I have encountered betrayal from friendship and loves which delivered harsh lessons that left imprinted in my heart. People I know revealed their true colors and the disloyalty from my loved ones carved a deeper understanding of the value of trust, leaving scars that would serve as reminders of resilience in my whole life. Relationships became a network of emotions, a journey through peaks of ecstasy and valleys of heartbreak. Love, led you to embrace it's beauty, only to later twirl you into the haunting shadows of heartache. But each tear shed became a drop of lessons, nourishing the roots of self-love. Family crises tested the foundations of support, revealing the strength of family ties and bonds. I realized I never really had supportive relatives this whole life. 

Within this whole year, diverse individuals entered the stage of my life. Some with their genuine spirits leaving an indelible mark. While others stayed behind the masks, unable to distinguish between sincerity and pretenses. Amidst the counterfeit, I have very few people who are genuine and unpretentious through out my life, who would be willing to listen to my hardships and go along with my ups and downs.

Yet, within the twists and turns, each experiences, whether good or painful, contributed to a tapestry of life and the heartbreaks became stepping stones to self-love. As the year comes to a halt, I stand at the intersection of past and future, adorned with the scars of battles fought and the wisdom gained. Though the coming years are unknown, I would pledge to never let myself too low as I did in 2023.

Happy mother's day!

 I may not be the flower that blooms all round the season because you didn't raise me to bloom all the time. But it's okayy! I am more grateful to you for giving me a glimpse of life. It may be hurtful to see you not around but I have been used to it. If someone ever ask me, what I pray for? Then it would be just to see and talk to you even for a little time because small things matter. I am counting the days and nights till I see you for once as the conversations I wanna have with you has been kept choking me to death. I know that's never gonna happen but I just can't help myself from thinking about it. Instead the beautiful face and the stunning figures and the unfathomable smiles of yours kept vanishing as I grow older, this is not the thing I want to but maybe distance is getting too harsh and longer! Do not feel sorry for not being there for me because I know that you always wished to lend a hand, right from the start till down the end. 

I always thought a strong women gave birth to a strong girl but at times I can never be strong even if I wished to because at times life's getting unfathomable but it's okay I have been enduring it till now and have no doubts I would never in the up-comings too! As I write you this today with all the memories of us fading little by little, I couldn't help not to cry! Just because I am strong doesn't mean I will endure all the emotional breakdowns. I am crying because I couldn't thank you enough, I couldn't express my loves, I couldn't take pictures together and come to think about all these how am I going to hold back! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

For all the women!

Life's never easy on anyone, for me my life is like a soup and I am the fork, there's no bowl. One day my life changed forever, although completely unexpected. I was pregnant. I was so excited about that to happen and I immediately told my family about it. No one could believe it and honestly neither could i. I thought of baby bumps growing, the baby's first kicks, building a nursery and being a mom, it was all so real to me. Suddenly everything I did was all for my baby. 

I graduated from Murdoch university with a major in social work and minor in Teaching. Moments like this during my pregnancy is inexpressible. I finally understood what it is like to be made in god's likeness to feel an ancient but pure manifestation of love, that was truly unconditional and truly selfless. I celebrated mother's day before I could even be one and my only wish was to be a good mom, so I could  truly be deserving of this blessing. 

At around 8 weeks, I felt some pain, so I immediately went to the emergency room and this is where the doctor confirmed my worst nightmare, I was actively miscarrying. That moment felt like I was completely robbed of everything I wanted. The doctor told me it wasn't my fault and that it's normal for a certain women to miscarry in the first trimester but I guess no one really talks about it. I realized that it may be painful but it's not shameful, it doesn't have to be lonely. Even just for now, my heart shatters. This is the most ignored pain that a women go through but we have each other.

 I gotta say all the women out there to be brave enough to handle such situations. And I am sorry for those women who have gone through such difficult phase. 

Happy mother's day!

Note*- The story is fictional, it doesn't describe anyone's characteristics.